Bob Stahn, Ed.M., LCPC, MAC, ICADC
In the United States today there are more families of single parents and step parents than there are of both
birth parents in the home.
BEFORE MARRIAGE (and be continued after marriage):
- Develop a relationship with the step children before the announcement of the upcoming marriage. Court the family not just the adult (because it’s to be a marriage of families, not just adults). All of you need time to get to know each other and create a healthy relationship. It is necessary to compensate the bonding that didn’t happen at birth.
- Build trust with the new family members. It takes time and effort. Start slowly and be patient. Children develop respect for adults who earn their trust and love. Keep your word and make promises only if you intend to keep them.
- Create a new family committee/council – let the children know that everyone has a voice, meet often to plan fun and to fix problems.
- Create a new family unit – new traditions, new place to live, etc.
- Create a new family legal system – based on principles, not rules.
- Create a new family economy – pegs, token economy, etc. (see James Jones cassette tape series and Richard and Linda Eyre’s book “Three Steps to a Strong Family.”)
- Reinforce the notion that the new step parent is not trying to take the place of the out-of-the-home parent. Be a friend, not another controlling authority figure.
THE COUPLE :
- The couple is the most important part of the family. Spending sharing time together is essential in order to nurture that relationship. It is a growing thing.
- Just as columns are used to hold up a beam, individuals hold up the relationship. If one column is dependent on the other, or is far removed from the other column, the beam cannot be well supported. Both columns need to have structural integrity in order to be the best possible support.
- You are the most important part of that couple (your individual health is critically important. Take time for your own welfare.) You are the only part of this couple or family over which you have complete control.
- Common reasons that children misbehave are: power (manipulating/demanding), attention (whining/pouting), inadequacy (withdrawing/fear) and/or revenge (attacking/blaming/criticizing/resistance) .
- Discipline is not easy in any family, let alone a step family. Let the birth parent discipline their children for the first year or so. In discipline, it is essential for the adults to be unified and supportive of each other. If you try to win the affection of the children by undermining the authority of the birth parent, you will lose the confidence of both the adult and the children. If you disagree with the birth parent’s method or results of discipline, talk to him/her privately until the issue is resolved.
- Discipline is easier when a triangle is avoided. If the parents present a unified front, then the triangle is avoided.
- If a triangle is developed, a wedge can easily come between the spouses – which can be deadly to a relationship.
- It is the job of the parents to set and maintain boundaries for the family. It is the job of the children to test the strength of the boundaries. Be reasonable yet firm. (James Jones’ words of “nevertheless” and “even though” are helpful here.)
THE CHILDREN:
- The children feel very little control in a divorce/death/remarriage situation. Understanding their perspective will benefit the parents greatly. Listen. Let them feel.
- Keep alive the relationship with each of the children with time (not money), and plenty of it.
- The myth of quality time replacing quantity is indeed a myth. (It is like spending quality time at work is able to replace quantity.)
- Like the relationship with spouse, the relationship with children is a living thing and must be nurtured in order to thrive.
- Spend one-on-one time with each – especially with the step children.
- Make times when the children goes with the step parent. All of the children get time.
- Do family activities with everybody.
- You may be tempted to spend money and buy affection/loyalty.
- You may also be tempted to use the children as pawns to retaliate against your ex-spouse. If the children are used as pawns, they will get caught in the middle and feel like objects rather than human beings, no matter for what reason they are being used.
- In this time of transition, the children need more understanding than control from the adults – especially a step parent.
- Encourage the healthy relationships between the children and their grandparents, aunts and uncles. The grandparents generally want to continue to be part of their grandchildren’s lives.
- Grandparents and other extended family members can sometimes reach and teach children that the parents cannot.
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